Due to the recent discovery of efforts by terrorists to enmesh undetectable nuclear weapons in completely normal fabrics, the Transportation Security Administration, in cooperation with the Department of Homeland Security, has issued an order that from this point forward all clothing must be shed and left at airport security checkpoints. Persons caught with clothing inside secured areas will be arrested and incarcerated indefinitely at undisclosed locations where they will be charged with violation of secret laws and tried by secret tribunals (and anyone who mentions these secrets again will be similarly treated; we shall speak of them no more).
All carry-on luggage must henceforth be shipped separately. Most cities with airports already have shipping companies such as UPS and FedEx available, and USPS has agreed to offer a discount rate for those shipping standard-size carry-on bags.
Checked luggage must be properly labeled and left at home, and must not be transported by any means. Those caught transporting checked luggage for themselves or others should see the above discussion of unmentionable topics.
In an unexpected move intended to please privacy advocates, the TSA has agreed to supply taxpayer-funded, secure (bomb-free) blinders at security checkpoints. These blinders will prevent passengers from being able to see other's privates. In order to guarantee this right to privacy, the TSA mandates that all passengers must wear the blinders until they exit the secured areas of their destination airports, at which point they may don the clothing they shipped in their carry-on luggage, providing that the luggage has passed screening.
